This page was last updated: February 19, 2010

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"

...What's a license...?? ?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump..

It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

Now may I see your registration. .." asked the cop.

Registration. .... what's that.....?" asked the blonde.

It's usually in your glove compartment. .." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

ll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

Yes...." replied the officer

Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

Uh... yes" replied the cop.

Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."

WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate. .." exclaimed the cop.

Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer. ."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

Johnnie Walker Black Label Whisky and women with big tits.'

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

Twenty quid " she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They've going "at it" for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.

Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know.""Well, " Paddy says,

Neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.

It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name."

So what did you do?" asked the other cop.

Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask questions afterward."

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car.

The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

Small problem — her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.

The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.

No charges were filed.

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station.

While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it with no problem: the police then waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.

Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

During a bank robbery, the police chief told the sergeant to cover all the exits so that the robbers couldn't get away.

Later, the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry, sir, but they got away."

The chief, very angry, says, "I told you to cover all the exits!"

I did," replied the sergeant, "but they got away through the entrance."