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RETIREDPIGGY2001
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LAST WEEK'S
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
“Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” inquired the officer.
“Mister,” exclaimed the telephone lineman, “I was at the top of the pole!”
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
Three women were interviewing with the police chief to see if they were candidates for police academy. The police chief showed each of them a side view picture of a man's face. He said to the three, "We need to know how observant you are."
He said to the brunette first, "Look at the picture and tell me something that you can see that would help to find this man."
The brunette looked closely at the picture, then said, "That's easy, he only has one ear."
The police chief asked, "How did you come up with that conclusion?"
The brunette replied, "That's easy, just look at the picture."
The police chief reminded her that it was a side view, not a front view. He than asked the redhead the same question. She looked and looked. She wanted to get it right, and prove that she was smarter than the brunette. Finally, she said, "That's easy, he only has one eye."
The police chief asked her, "How did you come up with that conclusion?"
She answered, "Just look at the picture, you can only see one eye, so he must only have one."
Frustrated, the chief reminded her that the picture was taken of the side of the head, not he face. Then he turned to the blonde. "You're my last hope," he thought. "Now, can you tell me the answer?" he asked her.
She really wanted to get this one right, and prove that blondes were smarter than brunettes and redheads. After scrutinizing it for what seemed like a long time, she smiled, and announced, "He wears contacts."
The police chief was ecstatic. "That's right!" he exclaimed. "How did you figure that out?"
"That's easy," she said. "He only has one eye, and one ear. He couldn't possibly wear glasses."
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
